Video game characters that are supposed to be sexy... but aren't

When sex doesn't sell

  • The gaming landscape is famous for its catwalk of sexy protagonists. Practically every action game in existence stars either a busty, scantily-clad heroine or a ruggedly handsome man. They're projections of who we want to be -- but sometimes, the end results turn out awry.

    In the following gallery, we take a look at some of the worst Sexy Fails in modern gaming. Many of the following characters were created specifically for their sex-appeal -- which makes their failure all the more embarrassing.

  • Princess Peach -- Super Mario series

    Mario's go-to damsel-in-distress has been looking increasingly raunchy lately. I think we can all agree this is a Bad Thing.
  • Solid Snake -- Metal Gear Solid series

    With his badass gravely voice and heroic action-man persona, Solid Snake has all the hallmarks of a sexy leading man. Or at least, he would if it wasn't for that tragic '80s mullet. Talk about sexy-in-the-front, putrid-in-the-back.

    In 2008, Snake compounded his crimes against sexy by ageing thirty years and donning a Geography teacher mustache (pictured). To add insult to injury, he also had a bum ticker, which probably ruled out sexy-time altogether.
  • Felicia -- DarkStalkers

    We're including Felicia on this list due to her strong affiliation with [[xref:|furry/anthropomorphic sub-cultures]]. It just leaves a bad taste in our mouth. [There's a fur ball joke in there somewhere... -- Ed.]
  • Harley Quinn (Batman: Arkham Asylum)

    While Harley is blessed with generous womanly proportions, she is only good for an attractive silhouette. Because any shred of sexiness she possesses is ultimately destroyed by her penchant for heavy horror clown make-up. If Marilyn Manson had a Ronald McDonald kink, he'd look a lot like the picture on the left.

    Add a large dose of sadism plus a nails-on-chalkboard voice and her sex appeal dwindles to nought.
  • Vega -- Street Fighter series

    Effeminate Spanish bullfighting ninja = not hot.
  • Anna Williams (Tekken franchise)

    There is a fine line between sexy and slutty; Anna Williams from the Tekken series sashays over the divide with a flagrant shake of her tush. That hussy!

    Let’s analyse: Pink, pouty lips - yeah, that’s sexy. Traditional Chinese dress - Okay, that’s hot too. Perfectly framed cleavage - yup, tick that. Blatantly provocative pose - giggity. In isolation, all these things can be classed as sexy. But everything together is like an overflowing blender of debauchery. It's too much!
  • Tifa -- Final Fantasy VII

    A controversial choice to be sure, but we're not talking about the [[artnid:336111|impossibly fit cosplay]] or Advent Children version here. No, we mean the original, 'super-deformed' Tifa from Final Fantasy VII. She looked exactly like a 12-year-old with DD breasts bolted onto the front of her chest.
  • The entire cast of BMXXX -- BMXXX

    Look, riding a push bike in hot pants or a thong isn't sexy. It just isn't, okay?
  • Varla Guns -- House of the Dead: Overkill

    Whether it was the Wii’s limited graphics capacity or the makers of House of the Dead: Overkill trying to be ironic, female lead Varla Guns is not much of a looker.

    Funbags to rival that of Christina Hendricks aside, not even strutting around wearing two tea towels can detract from her man face and perennially greasy mop. (She might not look too bad here, but her in-game likeness is a much grislier story.)
  • Heather Mason -- Silent Hill 3

    For reasons known only unto itself, Konami chose to sexualise Silent Hill 3's chief protagonist for the accompanying CD soundtrack cover -- the results were arguably more horrific than anything found in the game.

    The fact that Heather Mason [[artnid:|is a teenager]] already makes this pretty creepy, but the addition of her haunted expression and that blood-smeared abattoir backdrop frankly beggars belief. The unzipped vest is also conspicuously lacking in cleavage. (Just sayin'.)
  • Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

    Unless you’re into Scandinavian death metal, there is no way long white hair and blackened lips are attractive on a man. Stabbing a defenceless girl in the back with a sword isn’t particularly sexy either.

    And yet, hundreds of female admirers continue to swoon over Final Fantasy VII's primary villain. If you don't believe us, check out the reams of nuptial-themed fan art all over the Web. Hmmm… Methinks it’s because chicks dig tortured/douchebag/bad boy types.
  • Bayonetta -- Bayonetta

    Bayonetta is the absolute nadir of "(un)sexy" video game characters. With her freakishly long limbs and tiny bespectacled noggin, she looks like a cross between Sarah Palin and a [[xref:|Phasmatodea]]. In what world is this even remotely sexy? "In many ways, this character is my ideal woman", Bayonetta creator Hideki Kamiya once boasted. We hear he has a thing for aphids too.
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