The video game shame file

Stuff that make us ashamed to be a gamer...

  • The video game shame file

    Once upon a time, playing video games was about as socially acceptable as owning a 12-sided dice. It was something that nerds did in-between zit-popping and Star Trek marathons or at least, that was the popular perception in the playground at the time. To talk incessantly about video games was to invite wedgie annihilation from all directions. Needless to say, it was a dangerous time to be a gamer.

    Thankfully, things have come along in leaps and bounds since then. Gaming has become one of the premier forms of entertainment, with game sales consistently outperforming movies and DVDs. These days, it’s kind of uncool not to be a gamer.

    Occasionally however, the industry descends back into the tissue-strewn basement from its inglorious past. You know the sort of stuff we're talking about. It could be a YouTube clip of a gamer, or a ‘sexy-time’ video game that consists almost solely of poorly rendered nudity. No matter how hard we try to keep it down, the spectre of the 'nerdy gamer' still lingers in the national consciousness. Sometimes, it's the press' fault, but usually, we only have ourselves to blame.

    In the following slideshow, we take a look at some of the geekiest moments in video game history and we don’t mean geeky-cool, like the Mac guy. These are the things that make us feel ashamed to be gamers...

    Computers and chess - together at last! If you got caught playing this at school in the 1980s, your classmates were legally entitled to 'pawn' you to death.
  • CHESSMASTER (cont.)

    You can almost feel the excitement, can’t you?

    According to legend, eccentric chess Grandmaster Bobby Fischer lost his marbles while playing Polybius Chess in an old arcade parlour. [This isn’t even slightly true. - Ed.]

    Just when gaming was starting to make inroads into the mainstream, a splinter group of stuck-up elitists started to pretend they were communicating with broken keyboards. Apparently 'too cool' for the alphabet, they substituted letters for vague number-based substitutes in a two-fingered salute to grammar. (As a former English teacher, this really gets my goat.)

    While it originated with computer hackers, Leetspeak quickly spread into the gaming community at large; making us all look like complete jackasses in the process. If you regularly pepper your online chat with ‘pwned’, ‘Noob’, ‘w00t’ and ‘Sux0r’ you’re part of the (gene pool) problem.
  • L33TSPEAK (cont.)

    3N6L15H FTW!!!!111
  • The Nintendo Power Glove

    We actually have a bit of a soft spot for the ol’ Nintendo Power Glove. It's so irredeemably lame, that it ends up being kind of cool. Or at least, it would do if it wasn't for eight words: "I love the Power Glove. It's so bad."

    This above quote from 80s Nintendo flick The Wizard robs the Power Glove of any redeeming qualities it might have had. Check it out in the embedded clip, and weep:
  • The Nintendo Power Glove (cont.)

    You have to admit, it does have a certain charm, in a retro, '80s cyberpunk kind of way [No - Ed.]

    Oh come on. Do we really need to explain this one?
  • BMX XXX (cont.)

    Apparently, BMX XXX was spawned through a producer’s stutter. He really just wanted to make a BMX game.
    On the plus side, the game did provide us with this hilarious Penny Arcade strip.
  • Tearful odes to Aeris on game forums

    Can we all man up and get the hell over it, already? She comes back at the end and everything! Stop blubbering and move on.
  • Nude Raider

    We suppose it was inevitable, really. Within months of Lara Croft’s Tomb Raider: Anniversary in the first Tomb Raider game, rumours began to surface about a hidden nude cheat. By inputting a complex combination of commands with the control-pad, you could apparently get Lara to do a nudie run in all her pixilated glory. Nerdy hearts the world over began to beat a little faster at the news.

    It was all a load of rubbish of course. The game’s publisher officially debunked the rumour almost immediately, and the game press assured its readers that the cheat didn’t exist. And yet still the myth persisted. To the grubby mind of the gamer, it didn’t make sense not to have a nude cheat — why else would the developers give Lara such fabulously pneumatic cans? And so, gamers continued to try and nut out the elusive code — with fake solutions periodically lighting up the Web (this was back when the Internet community consisted almost entirely of men with beards).

    To this day, rumours about the Nude Raider cheat are still talked about, which makes it the geekiest urban legend of all time.
  • Nude Raider (cont.)

    "Everyone identifies with Lara Croft in different ways and wants to do different things with her." -- Tomb Raider Legend producer, Morgan W Gray.
  • Nude Raider (cont.)

    When Core relaunched the franchise in 2006, a Nude Raider patch was naturally assembled. If you wish for something long enough...

    In the summer of 2006, Jade Raymond was introduced to the wider gaming community as lead producer on Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed. As evidenced by the photo above, she happens to be an attractive female.

    Her image was subsequently wallpapered across every games magazine on the planet in a shameless attempt to cash in on gamers’ baser instincts (i.e. “a hot chick made this game buy it!”) And it gets worse. A pornographic comic surfaced on Waffle Images starring Jade and a bunch of horny gamers complete with full-frontal nudity and copious money shots. It was supposed to be satire, apparently.

    Ubisoft responded with a string of increasingly irate lawsuits targeting anyone who dared to publish the offending strip. In other words, they tried to sue the Internet. Predictably, this caused a Streisand Effect that saw the comic explode like a gooey geyser all over the Web. When the dust settled, nobody was left with their dignity intact least of all gamers, who were made to look like a bunch of sexually frustrated losers. Again.
  • JADEGATE (cont.)

    Seriously, could you imagine anything even remotely this juvenile occurring in the film industry? This sort of thing would never happen to Sofia Coppola (y’know. If she was hot.) Granted, Ubisoft shares some of the blame for shoving Jade down our throats so much, but that didn't mean we had to return the favour. All in all, Jadegate was one of the geekiest scandals to hit the video game history. We are all culpable: hang your heads in shame.
  • JADEGATE (cont.)

    A portion of the comic, censored to protect the innocent. [You grotty little perverts. -- Ed.]
  • GTA San Andreas 'Hot Coffee' mod

    Trust the Dutch; if there’s porn to be found in a video game, they’ll unearth it. The infamous 'hot coffee' incident occurred when a 37-year old hacker from the Netherlands discovered hidden code within Rockstar's GTA III: San Andreas. The code unlocked a new mini-game that saw the main character grappling unerotically with his girlfriend, after being invited in for some 'hot coffee'.

    Bizarrely, this caused a storm of controversy across the globe a situation that only worsened when Rockstar denied all knowledge of the hidden code. All copies of the game were subsequently recalled in Australia, to be replaced with ‘caffeine free’ versions.
  • GTA San Andreas 'Hot Coffee' mod (cont.)

    Er. What was the fuss all about, again? He didn't even take his pants off. To quote Boy George, we think we’d rather have a nice cup of tea.
  • Unfeasibly busty heroines

    It all started with Tomb Raider, of course. After years of slipping into the boots of musclebound bimboids, gamers were suddenly invited to wriggle into brassieres instead. Pretty much every action game since has featured at least one slinky lady with a novelty-sized chest.

    Don't get us wrong, we have nothing against attractive leading ladies in video games — the film industry is equally superficial, after all. But do they have to all look like they're smuggling beach balls underneath their shirts? And you wonder why your girlfriend isn't into gaming more.
  • World of Warcraft (cont.)

    When you're on a South Park hit list, it’s time to face facts: you suck.
  • Hawt Gamer Chicks (cont.)

    Just because she plays video games doesn't mean she wants to date you. So why are you paying her attention?
  • Hawt Gamer Chicks

    Each year, another troupe of skimpily attired gaming chattel is paraded before our disinterested eyes; often with publisher sponsorships. Jade likes Halo 3 and is ranked in the Top 100. Crystal is a keen MMO fan with a Horde tattoo on her shoulder. Ruby is in an all-girl Unreal Tournament clan and hopes to take out the regional championships. Seriously, WHO GIVES A F[Snip! – Ed.]
  • World of Warcraft

    Yeah, you heard us. World of Warcraft combines the worst aspects of gaming into one horrendously nerdy package: the hackneyed Lord of the Rings pastiche, the Leetspeak, the tedious grinding, Leeroy Jenkins - there's a lot to be ashamed of here. The fact that the game boasts over 11 million subscribers is pretty damn depressing. On the plus side, it does give the rest of us gamers someone to pick on!
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Samus Aran (Metroid)
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Nina Williams (Tekken)
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Tyris Flare (Golden Axe)
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Princess Peach (she's raunchy -- and we don't care what anyone says).
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Tina Armstrong (Dead or Alive)
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Rubi Malone (Wet)
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Christie Monteiro (Tekken)
  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Ivy (Soul Caliber)
  • When Cosplay Goes Bad: The Halo 3 Kid

    We were originally going to put this guy in our Coolest Moments in Gaming list. Sure, he might be a 90-pound weakling with a creepy Halo obsession, but damn if that kid ain’t got talent! We defy anyone to make a better assault rifle out of cardboard and bits of cellophane - with a removable magazine no less. Mark our words, Halo Kid will be an effects maestro in Bollywood by the time he’s 21.

    Unfortunately, his incessant tea-bagging of invisible enemies has tipped him over into the Geek list. Corpse-humping does not exist in this dojo. Check out the full video below.

  • Unfeasibly busty game heroines (cont.)

    Rayne (BloodRayne)
  • World of Warcraft (cont.)

    Albino tigers, chain mail bikinis and kaldorei camel toe - if there’s a geekier image in existence we have yet to see it.
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